Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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