Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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