Apparently you make a good broom.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
