with your own penis?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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