If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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