boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
