She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
