With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
