Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
