Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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