She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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