saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
