please come you make the beer taste better
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
