Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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