Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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