Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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