I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
