last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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