my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
