because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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