i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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