i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
