Pants 0. Shit 1.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
