I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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