woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
