even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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