Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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