Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
