Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
