you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
