Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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