Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
