I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize