I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
