I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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