I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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