I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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