News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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