I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
