I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize