woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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