Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
