I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
