Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
