I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
