I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
