I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
