My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
