Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
