Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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