So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
