just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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