apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the liver wants what the liver wants
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
