true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
