Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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