Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
