Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
