im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
