so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
