you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
