the condom got lost in my hair
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
