my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
