Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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