He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
